Hello Master <<First Name>>,
It's not that I yes or no want to live,
but I felt and knew that it was about time
to make a conscious choice.
Because, apparently, I’ve never done that before.
For me, life just happened.
And if I choose to live, then there are consequences,
some of them I’ve never picked up,
because I’ve never made that conscious choice,
although they are my responsibility -
at the end of the day, it's us who are in charge of our own life, right?
And now, aware of many aspects,
like the fact that to choose to ‘keep going’,
just as is, without changing anything,
is not exactly similar to choosing to actually live;
And like my escapes, the tendency not to commit,
the fear of touching the ground -
of genuinely participate in reality,
I felt it was time for picking
between everything, and nothing.
And be active and accountable for my life and my choices.
The only friend who knew,
suggested the decision shouldn't be if, but how.
What do you think, <<First Name>>? Which one do you relate more to?
I, however, did appreciate his worry and discomfort,
and while still wanting to choose the If, and take responsibility,
it opened the space for the option of adjusting the How.
And it was a lot.
So I took my time quietly. Just appointments and a few friends,
and all the rest - quiet.
No podcasts, no videos, no movies.
No music or reading.
Just quiet. Just to listen to myself.
On the first day, the big thing was a lack of motivation.
Not even to smile. Raising the vibration felt artificial, foreign.
So I just dropped the idea and left it alone.
And many things came up.
Stories, feelings, emotions.
Many of them belong to my profound karmic injury -
to my fear of loss, of loneliness, of intimacy, of living.
A lot was shed,
and a lot of sorrow, hardness and deep pain
filled the void and the emptiness.
On the 4th day I woke up angry and impatient,
nervous by the quiet.
And looked into that as well,
immersed in the underneath overflowing sadness.
Until I became a little puddle
humble, transparent and simple.
This is how I went to bed.
And woke up on the 5th day
light, clean, much more integrated.
I knew that it was going to be serious
only the beginning of an all new journey.
That there was no regret
what I do now, is final.
I wanted to postpone...
But the full clarity
was already brightly present.
In that afternoon, I texted him:
I'm committing to life
And to my: Soul, actualization, healing, authenticity,
joy, love, fulfillment, freedom, and well being.
Keep taking a good care,
Sending love and health,
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