What is up, Sternal Journalists?
I keep saying "Next week in the Sternal Journal, I'll talk about this," but come on. That's just my attempt at holding myself to an editorial calendar and since I am every position from editorial assistant to Editor-in-Chief, there's just not enough accountability here. I should unionize against myself.
So anyway, no story about Super Market Sweep this week, but it's joyous and you should still watch it on Netflix. And no updates on the Hot Dog on a Train, however a Sternal Journal concernaled citizen does know the origins of the phrase, "YOU AIN'T HAD NOTHING YET" for real for real and I'm hoping to dive deep soon (but don't count on it next week. But maybe!)
Anyway, I actually did want to share one of those today, but I found out super last minute that the The Late Show was accepting writer submissions and, listen, there are a few things to know if you don't already:
1) These are statistically very difficult jobs to get. It is (mathematically) impossible for me to get it.
2) Hope is a disease and I have it.
3) When you submit an application for a show like this, it's in the form of what's called a "packet." It's called this because, in Old Hollywood, they would place words onto slips of parchment called "paper" using ink that was applied with a "desktop printer" and those papers were bundled together into what's called a packet.
Anyway, if you are conniving enough to find out when a late night show is accepting new packets, one of the things you always do is submit monologue jokes. And when you submit monologue jokes for a specific late night show at a specific time, it's impossible to use them again and always sad to look back two weeks later when you didn't get the job and now have nowhere to put them.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU HAVE A NEWSLETTER.
So yes, ladies and gentlemen, today you will be reading my monologue sample that I submitted to The Late Show. Even if you don't find it funny or hate the formatting (ALL CAPS, anything in parentheses is a cue or direction, and anything in red is describing a visual), you will be educated about the real shit-eating interview Trump gave that you'll probably see on Twitter today if you didn't yesterday. And you know, there's jokes! You'll like a few of em.
-- -- --
WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 2020 CONTINUES TO BE A TURDUCKEN OF CRISIS. THE THING ABOUT TURDUCKENS, THOUGH: THEY’RE DISGUSTING… BUT THEY DO HAVE SOME TASTY BITS!
(TAKE SOT TRUMP (CHRIS WALLACE INTERVIEW) 7/19/20: TRUMP: Now they wanna change—1492, Columbus discovered America, you know we grew up, you grew up, we all did, that’s what we learned. Now they wanna make it 1619 project. Where did that come from? WALLACE: S- slavery. http://youtu.be/W6XdpDOH1JA?t=1202)
THAT’S RIGHT. YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP SAT DOWN WITH FOX NEWS SUNDAY ANCHOR CHRIS WALLACE FOR 40 MINUTES OF THE MOST RIVETING SEPTUAGENARIAN DUNK CONTEST SINCE ANGELA LANSBURY’S REVERSE WINDMILL AT THE ‘98 AARP SLAM.
(TAKE: FF: MOCKUP: ANGELA LANSBURY DOING A REVERSE WINDMILL DUNK OVER CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER)
MURDER, SHE DUNKED!
WALLACE DID WHAT SO FEW JOURNALISTS HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO DURING TRUMP’S PRESIDENCY, WHICH IS… GET HIM TO ANSWER THE MOST BASIC OF QUESTIONS ON A RANGE OF TOPICS, INCLUDING… THE MOST BASIC OF QUESTIONS.
(TAKE SOT TRUMP (CHRIS WALLACE INTERVIEW) 7/19/20: WALLACE: In the Fox poll, they ask people, “Who is more competent? Who’s mind is sounder? Biden beats you in that. (FLASH) TRUMP: Let him take the same test that I took. WALLACE: Incidentally, I took the test too when I heard that you passed it. It’s not the hardest test. It’s a picture and it says, “What’s that? And it’s an elephant.”
(TAKE: OTS: FISHER-PRICE SEE N SAY: https://www.fisher-price.com/en-us/product/see-n-say-the-farmer-says-learning-toy-cbn98)
OH MY GOD. TRUMP IS CHALLENGING BIDEN TO A SEE N’ SAY.
(TAKE: OTS: HASBRO’S OPERATION: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation_(game)#/media/File:1960's_edition_of_Operation.jpg)
FAUCI, HE CALLS HIMSELF A DOCTOR, BUT HE CAN’T EVEN FIX A CHARLIE HORSE WITHOUT BUZZING THIS POOR PATRIOT’S ELECTRIFIED RED NOSE. OUCHY FAUCI, WE CALL HIM.
BUT WAIT A SECOND. THIS IS FOX. THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO LIKE THE PRESIDENT. WHEN THEY TALK ABOUT FOX *AND FRIENDS*, THE FRIENDS ARE TRUMP AND ALL OF HIS ALTER EGOS. ISN’T HE UPSET BY THIS? TURNS OUT THEY’VE HAD A FALLING OUT.
(TAKE SOT TRUMP (CHRIS WALLACE INTERVIEW) 7/19/20: I’m not a big fan of FOX, I’ll be honest with you. They’ve changed a lot since Roger Ailes.)
THAT’S YOUR BEEF WITH FOX? YOU THINK THEY’VE CHANGED SINCE ROGER AILES? THE MAIN CHANGE THEY’VE MADE IS KICKING OUT THEIR CEO WHO HAD SEXUAL ASSAULT ALLEGATIONS FROM 23 WOMEN. WHAT WAS THAT GUY’S NAME AGAIN? OH YEAH! ROGER AILES. SAYING FOX HAS CHANGED A LOT SINCE ROGER AILES IS LIKE SAYING, “I’M NOT A BIG FAN OF WESTEROS. IT’S CHANGED A LOT SINCE CERSEI LANNISTER.”
TRUMP DID ACTUALLY ADDRESS COVID WHEN WALLACE PRESENTED HIM WITH AN INTERVIEW FROM HEAD OF THE CDC AND EXCOMMUNICATED KEEBLER ELF DR. ROBERT REDFIELD.
(TAKE SOT DR. REDFIELD (TRUMP-WALLACE INTERVIEW) 7/19/20: I do think the fall and the winter of 2020 and 2021 are going to be probably one of the most difficult times that we have experienced in American public health. WALLACE: Do you agree with Dr. Redfield?)
SURELY, PRESIDENT TRUMP CAN’T ARGUE WITH THE HEAD OF THE CDC AND SANTA’S WORKSHOP UNION FOREMAN OVER A COMMENT AS GENERIC AS THAT.
(TAKE SOT TRUMP (TRUMP-WALLACE INTERVIEW) 7/19/20: I don’t know, and I don’t think he knows. I don't think anybody knows. This is a very tricky deal.”
AND I DON’T DO TRICKY DEALS. I DO ART OF THE DEAL. ART OF THE TRICKY DEAL? THAT’S ANOTHER GUY.
(TAKE SOT TRUMP CONTD. (TRUMP-WALLACE INTERVIEW) 7/19/20: Everybody thought the summer, it would go away and it would come back in the fall. Well, in the summer it came. (FLASH) So they got that one wrong.(ON CAM)
TRUMP’S RATIONALE IS THAT THE EXPERTS MUST BE WRONG BECAUSE THEY SAID IT WOULD BE WORSE IN THE FALL THAN IN THE SUMMER… AND LOOK HOW BAD IT ALREADY IS IN THE SUMMER.
THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT CAN’T GET WORSE! IF YOU’VE TAUGHT US ANYTHING, MR. PRESIDENT, IT’S THAT IT CAN *ALWAYS* GET WORSE.
FOR INSTANCE, YOUR PERFORMANCE IN THE INTERVIEW WAS GOING PRETTY BADLY. AND THEN YOU STARTED TALKING ABOUT OUR WORLD WARS.(SOT)
(TAKE SOT TRUMP (TRUMP-WALLACE INTERVIEW) 7/19/20: There’s a whole thing here. We won two World Wars. Beautiful World Wars that were vicious and horrible.)
HE’S TALKING ABOUT OUR WORLD WARS LIKE AN ITALIAN GRANDMOTHER TALKS ABOUT HER GRANDSON WHO IS DEFINITELY IN THE MAFIA
(AS ITALIAN GRANDMOTHER)
MY LITTLE GIANNI, HE’S A GOOD BOY. A BEAUTIFUL BOY. SO HE’S WACKED A COUPLE BABBOS. HE WAS A BABY! 37! HE GETS HUNGRY!
SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO NEED BABYSITTING, PARENTS ARE TURNING TO ZOOM FOR THEIR CHILDCARE NEEDS.
(TAKE: FF: WASHINGTON POST: “PARENTS HIRE ZOOM BABY SITTERS SO THEY CAN SHELTER IN PLACE. https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2020/04/30/zoom-virtual-babysitters-pandemic/)
THAT’S RIGHT. YOU THOUGHT YOUR COWORKERS WERE DIFFICULT TO ENGAGE OVER ZOOM?
(TAKE: FF: MOCKUP: A MAN IN A SUIT CRYING AND BITING INTO A REPORT)
AT LEAST THEY’RE NOT TEETHING.
ONE COMPANY THAT OFFERS THESE NEW DIGITAL NANNIES IS “THE BABYSITTING COMPANY,” WHICH CALLS ITSELF “THE NEXT GENERATION OF CURATED CHILDCARE."
(TAKE: OTS: THE BABYSITTING COMPANY: https://thebabysittingcompany.com//)
WHAT ARE YOU CURATING? WHO ARE THESE CHILDREN?
YES, MY PLAYTIME WAS BEAUTIFULLY CURATED DURING MOMMY’S WORK CALL. I WAS FLOORED BY THE JUXTAPOSITION OF ELMO’S RELENTLESS OPTIMISM WITH THE EXISTENTIAL HOPELESSNESS DURING THE GAME OF PEEKABOO.
THE BABYSITTING COMPANY CHARGES $36 PER 45 MINUTE ZOOM SESSION, SO HOPEFULLY, THEY’RE CURATING SOME THERAPY OR LEGAL COUNSEL ALONG WITH THE FINGER PAINTING.
WE HAVE A CURATED SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
-- -- --
If you've read this far, thank you for indulging me. Now, watch this short documentary about cultural humility.