If you’re reading this,
you’re probably (self-quarantining) too late.
And if you’re like I was one week ago, you probably thought locking yourself indoors to avoid potential contact with COVID-19, was about as over-dramatic as when you made your facebook status ~ it’s a love story baby just say yes<3 ~ in 2009. You were 14.
WHO 👏 WAS 👏 THAT 👏 FOR
Anyways, I’ve been lucky enough to get quarantined with my boyfriend for the past week. And without the distraction of work, friends, and daily routines, we’ve gotten to know each other in new, intimate ways. What I mean to say is that for the first time in our year long relationship, he farted on me.
On me.
But despite everything going on, I can't shake the feeling that I'm not doing enough. I remember a time long ago, in 2020 *B.C., when I foolishly believed that if I was ever given unlimited free time, I would accomplish everything.
*Before Corona
If only I didn’t have to go to work, I thought. Then I would finally finish my screenplay!
I’m not actually writing a screenplay, but always suspected that my day job was stopping me from thinking of one, writing it down, and getting it made by A24 so that it looks all pink and misty ☁️ and ~filmed on a film camera~.
Sadly, all I’ve done during my self-quarantine is:
- Intermittent Eat (similar to intermittent fast, but I eat in 12 hours intervals)
- Order expensive vitamins online (like fish oil—which I bought to improve my memory but keep forgetting to take), and
- Not have as much sex with my boyfriend as one would imagine given the circumstances
But mostly, the coronavirus has shown us that a lot of people we know really suck.
Take my mom, for example. Yesterday, she bought an entire Costco store’s worth of toilet paper, even though she's been constipated for 15 years.
And your friend, Jessica. Her instagram post from brunch this weekend might seem innocent enough. But if you zoom in a little, you’ll notice her and her friends are touching each other’s faces—and if you zoom in even more, spitting in old people’s mouths.
🤮🤮🤮
Finally, the President. At least he's being consistent. He still treats facts by experts as mere audience suggestions—as if hearing one might launch him into a bad improv scene rather than into taking informative action.
*You can't YES AND yourself out of a global pandemic, dawg!*
The icing on this cake, (which is obviously a fruitcake because NOBODY ASKED FOR IT), is that as a result of all this, we're entering a recession.
Now, I don’t exactly know what that is, but I do know that the last one gave us that Adam McKay movie. And even though I might survive this virus, I’m not confident I’d survive another hot woman in a bathtub explaining a complex financial crisis to me.
The point is, things suck right now.
And while everyone you know might be posting videos of themselves “getting back into guitar,” or “doing remote workout sessions,” or “finally opening up my #PALEO cookbook!”—those people are nerds. Or at least virgins. Personally, I haven’t kept track of how often I’ve changed my underwear, nevermind my steps per day.
So be easy on yourself.
If anything, find solace in the fact that the coronavirus can’t change you. It might give you a 105° fever, choke you with a dry cough, and isolate you from everyone you love…
But coronavirus or not, you’re still the same 💫lazy piece of shit💫 you’ve always been.
Remember: You can wash your hands, but you can’t wash your personality.
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